It happened so suddenly – the swiftness of it all. I was at the kitchen counter pouring water into the kettle which stood too close to two crystal glasses left to dry. Wiping a small spill of water, my hand accidentally knocked over one of the crystal glasses. It broke.
My heart sank in disbelief. The finality of it all. Only yesterday I had enjoyed a homemade Kombucha drink from that Bohemian crystal glass. It was a gift from a dear elderly lady connected with my wife’s now deceased relatives in Heřmanův Mĕstec whom we had visited over 20 years ago. The glass had survived being transported around the world. Now, in a moment, it was gone.
Three Realities of Life
Three realities of life quickly reinforced themselves in my mind – (1) the impermanence, (2) the suffering, and (3) the need for letting go (for example, less attachment to our material possessions).
For a while I mourned the loss of that Bohemian crystal glass.
The Five Stages of Grief
Firstly, the denial. Momentarily, I couldn’t believe that the glass was broken – never again would a drink be enjoyed from it.
Secondly, the anger. Why was I so careless? Couldn’t I have been more mindful? Why did I have to wipe that little spill of water anyway?
Thirdly, and predictably, the bargaining. Could the broken piece somehow be glued back into place? Gingerly I picked up the sharp piece of glass and tried inserting it into its original place. But, how could the piece ever be imperceptibly glued back in? Impossible!
Fourthly, depression – a momentary depressed feeling came over me. The hopelessness of it all – the glass was broken for good.
In looking back, I realized that I had lived through the stages of grieving. This was indeed a process that I had to work through by myself – no one could come alongside to either deny the feelings or accelerate movement through the stages.
Mourning a loss is always necessary to release the pain. Unexpectedly, however, another phenomenon can occur in grieving – and that is the reawakening of older and unresolved feelings. David Viscott in his book, Emotional Resilience, writes that these companion feelings may appear as intensifiers of the loss, or as a bad mood that seems to appear from nowhere.
I also noticed that these stages of my mourning all dealt with what had happened in the past. I had to let go of the past. This is easier said than done because of the feelings involved. But the past can never be changed or relived. Asking a lot of “why” questions is fruitless.
In the end, I reached acceptance – accepting what I had caused to happen. In doing so, my consciousness shifted from the past to the present. In place of “why” questions, I could focus on “what” questions – what lessons could I learn from this experience, enabling me to live more mindfully today?
Understanding Acceptance
To further understand acceptance, again I turned to Viscott for the following insights.
The truest healing comes through acceptance of your pain and suffering as it is happening. Acceptance means:
(1) Letting go, without denying the hurt.
(2) Embracing what has happened, even if you do not like it.
(3) Welcoming the truth, even if it hurts.
(4) Being on friendly terms with your pain.
(5) Being willing to admit failure, abandonment, loneliness, powerlessness, and hurting others – all without giving up.
Acceptance is not easy, but it is your only hope for happiness in the face of impossible odds and unthinkable losses. If you don’t accept the loss, you are:
(1) Forced to harbor the pain.
(2) Bound to the past, and have mortgaged your future to suffering.
Only through acceptance is it possible to find peace of mind.
A Closing Note
With this broken crystal glass incident, suddenly my wife remembered our having one other crystal glass from overseas, which had rarely been used. My suffering over this loss was made bearable!
Written by Alexander Peck; edited by Eva Peck (2011)
Reference: David Viscott, Emotional Resilience: Simple Truths for Dealing with the Unfinished Business of Your Past (New York: Three Rivers Press, 1996), 126-127.
Suffering also has its worth.
Through sorrow, pride is driven out
And pity felt for those who wander in samsara;
Evil is avoided, goodness seems delightful.
(Shantideva. The Way of the Bodhisattva.)
Shantideva cites three benefits of pain.
First it is valuable because through sorrow, pride is driven out. No matter how arrogant and condescending we’ve been, great suffering can humble us. The pain of a serious illness or loss of a loved one can be transformative, softening us and making us less self-centered.
The second benefit of pain is empathy: the compassion felt for those who wander in samsara. Our personal suffering brings compassion for others in the same situation. A young woman was telling me that when her baby died, she felt a deep connection to all the other parents who had lost children. This was, as she put it, the unexpected blessing of her sorrow. With sadness, we realize that we’re all in the same predicament. We’re all caught by the kleshas and continually blocking our basic goodness. Here Shantideva expresses compassion for everyone wandering in samsara, especially those with no interest in finding freedom.
The third value of suffering is that evil is avoided and goodness seems delightful. When we practice according to Shantideva’s instructions, we can get smarter about cause and result. Based on this understanding, we’ll have less inclination to cause harm, and more desire to gather virtue and benefit others. This is the “eager faith” I talked about before: we’re eager to live our lives in ways that dismantle the habits that cause us so much grief. We are eager to increase our compassion, wisdom, and happiness.
These are the three values of suffering: it humbles us; it causes us to feel compassion for others in the same situation; and, because we begin to understand the workings of karma, it motivates us to not add to our burden of pain when we could lighten the load.
(Pema Chodron. Becoming Bodhisattvas: A Guidebook for Compassionate Action. Boulder, Colorado: Shambhala Publications, 2005.)
