Today, after a Sunday lunch in the Czechoslovakian Club, I listened to Mr. Holub’s story of his brother in Prague who had betrayed and harmed him. The scoundrel. Actually, this wasn’t the first time I heard the story – and each time the emotions of hurt and anger are still raw. His wife, next to him, embarrassed and frustrated, told him to “shut up”, and for “heaven’s sake, stop rehearsing the same old hurts, especially in public”. Their daughter, also seated at the table, rolled her eyes as she listened to her father’s story of abuse and abandonment for the n^th time. The son-in-law, altogether tuned out, was absorbed with his iPhone over a beer. I felt sorry for Mr. Holub – in addition to the pain he obviously still carried, he had his heart burdened by the thoughtless words and actions of those around him.

We All Need Healing

As I listened, I reflected. What was going on here? We all need, as Mr. Holub did, healing at times – to heal the traumas we’ve suffered, and to release the difficult emotions of the past that we carry in our body, mind, and spirit. What Mr. Holub needed, among other things, was for someone to compassionately receive, respect and listen to him – to give kind attention to his grief and suffering.

In our human condition, we are guaranteed, sooner or later, to suffer from betrayal, conflict, loss, and pain. We then long for a way out of our suffering which can seem insurmountable. We feel trapped in the past. And, as we harbour resentment and anger in our heart, we never find the peace we desperately desire. All this urgently calls for acceptance.

The Need to Step Toward our Suffering with Courage and Love

Interestingly, to receive healing, we cannot reject our grief – we cannot use anger and aversion to get rid of grief. Rather, we have to bring a tender, healing energy to all that is wounded, torn, broken, or lost in our lives. Alone, or with a friend, we need to honestly face and experience our pain to find a cure for the pain, in the pain itself. We need to step toward our suffering with courage and love – to touch the pain with healing, rather than to run away from it, and to shun it with fear and hate.

Patiently Sitting in Our Suffering with Acceptance

Here is how it works. We just sit with our painful feelings and accept them. This is in place of struggling to get away from them, being reactive, blaming others, or seeking revenge. For example, we may be experiencing anger, rejection, or guilt. To patiently sit with our suffering is one of the best ways to work through it. We might say, “Yes, I feel resentment . . . hurt . . . betrayed; I also accept my part in the circumstances.” In this way, we begin to experience real peace of mind. (During such times, a friend to confide in can also be a wonderful help.)

On the other hand, if we act on our feelings of anger or hatred to get away from our pain, we end up back where we started – and round and round we go with no way off the merry-go-round!   

Acceptance Is a Process that Takes Time

Acceptance, however, never happens all at once – it is a process that may take longer time. Sometimes we feel true acceptance in our heart. Another time, we still feel deep resentment that we refuse to let go. And then we again feel layers of pain, rage, grief, or sorrow.

In practicing acceptance, one thing is certain: We can’t achieve acceptance by covering up our genuine hurt feelings. There are times to experience – and hold with tenderness and mercy – the feelings of grief, anger, despair, or depression before we can move on. Nevertheless, with patience, emotional healing does come. Little by little the heart is cleansed and there comes a time when we will be ready to release the past, to accept those who have hurt and harmed us, and to then move on with our lives. As we liberate others, we liberate our own heart.

Acceptance Never Means Condoning

Of course, acceptance never means condoning what happened. We must do what is needed to ensure it never happens again – to protect ourselves and others. We may need to set limits to minimize any future harm. And, we have to realize that acceptance means giving up all hope for a better past.

Those at Mr. Holub’s table today taught me several vital lessons. The biggest is that it is never too late to lovingly accept oneself and others. Acceptance is the only medicine that can release us from the past and allow us to truly begin anew tomorrow. And, in the end, acceptance is primarily for ourselves! It’s a release of our burdens, a relief to our hearts, so that we can go on with renewed well-being.

Source: For a number of ideas in this article, I am indebted to Jack Kornfield, A Lamp in the Darkness: Illuminating the Path through Difficult Times (Boulder, Colorado: Sounds True, 2011).

Alexander Peck with Eva Peck (2013)

---

---