At times, difficult encounters arise in life. Someone speaks or acts in a way we don’t like, and we feel hurt. If we’re not careful, we can become needlessly upset – and keep rehearsing the event(s) for days, weeks, months, and even years! What a waste of mental energy when life is so precious and relatively short!

Based on experience, here are seven points to keep in mind when facing trying or painful situations with people:

Compassion

Reflecting on the following quotation can be wonderfully helpful: “If we could see the whole truth of any situation, our only response would be one of compassion” (Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche, author of The Joy of Living, a New York Times bestseller).

Awareness

It greatly helps if one can learn to be aware or mindful of incoming thoughts, emotions, and perceptions in response to a situation. If they are negative, just let them fly overhead, as birds fly over trees or roof tops. Don’t invite negative thoughts in and spend time with them. Also, during the day, catch yourself ruminating on undesirable thoughts.

Worry Control

Here’s another healing quotation: “If you can solve your problem, then what is the need of worrying? If you cannot solve it, then what is the use of worrying?” (Shantideva). In other words, if something can be changed (by taking action), why worry – just take action; if something cannot be changed, why worry – just let it go!

Meditation

First, try to quieten the mind a little. For example, sit or lie in a relaxed position and just be mindful of your breathing for a while (calming meditation). When you have a more peaceful state of mind, do a little analytical meditation about the problem. In an open-minded way, ask some heartfelt questions about the difficulty. These might include: Is my perception of the event correct? Have I misjudged the person and situation? Some refreshing insights may begin to emerge. (Once in a misunderstanding, when I felt that I was right, I was told, “You’ve got it all wrong mate.” It took me aback. Later, I realized the other person was quite correct.)

Asking for Help

If we believe in the presence of enlightened beings or higher power who are willing to help us, we can earnestly ask for help to overcome our fear, pain, or frustration. Here trust and confidence are important.

Forgiveness

If we can see a basic goodness deep within the person who hurt us – no-one is, after all, totally evil – then it will be easier to choose to forgive a person’s actions or words toward us, or to forbear any pain or suffering caused. It is important to realize that forgiveness benefits and frees us, not the other person.

Living in the Present

Since the past is now history (and in some ways only like last night’s dream), and the future is a mystery, it’s best to remain aware of the present moment – to live in the timeless now, and to let go of past wounds, hurts, and bad feelings! (Another time, when I was beginning to dredge up a past conflict, I was bluntly told by the other person, “I don’t want to go back to all that old stuff.” I was upset by being rebuffed. Later, in looking back, I learnt a lot from that comment! Why needlessly dwell in the past?)

May these seven lessons learnt in the “school of hard knocks” help those who may be dealing with a difficult or painful relationship. After all, deep within, everyone desires to be happy, and no-one wants to suffer.

Written by Alexander Peck; edited by Eva Peck

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