Are You Running Scared?

In 1961, Roy Orbison released a song entitled “Running Scared”. (He sings about a girl’s past love, his present predicament, and then in the end everything works out for the best.)

It is the song’s title – “Running Scared” – that gripped my attention. I ask myself: How often are we running scared through life? Too afraid to do something about a situation and simply running away from it – and doing nothing at all.

(1) Maybe it’s a broken relationship with a family member that is too painful to face.

(2) Perhaps it’s a neighbour we dislike and avoid at all costs.

(3) Possibly it’s an unpleasant work situation that we continually shy away from dealing with.

(4) Maybe it’s a tedious project at home that we keep putting off.

(5) Perhaps there are painful memories and feelings that we try to ignore, but they re-surface again and again.

(6) When it comes to old age or the reality of death, some prefer simply not to “to talk about it” and try to deny their reality.

For many, the first response is to always turn away from anything unpleasant, unexpected, and difficult. This is not to deny that what comes to us might be quite painful.

Nevertheless, we always have a choice, although it might sometimes be a painful choice. We can either turn toward a situation, or we can turn away.

While it might seem radical at first, in the end, it’s better – if at all possible – to turn toward a challenging situation with an open heart than to simply turn away. In other words, more will be achieved if we can turn toward those things that scare us, open to them completely, deal with them, and only turn away from them when we have exhausted all our efforts at resolution.

I first learnt this lesson when I lived in a dormitory at a college where I was studying overseas. Steve, a fellow student from America, had an unpleasant way of ridiculing and putting me down. Finally, I turned to the situation, rather than just turning away. Early one quiet Saturday morning in the dorm, I walked over to Steve’s desk and asked if we could just talk over a cup of coffee. A heartfelt conversation ensued in which for the first time we felt that we really understood each other. A friendship followed, marked by nothing but mutual respect.

Facing, Rather Than Running From, Life’s Difficulties

In applying the principle of turning toward difficult and even painful situations, here are some practical points:

Come empty-handed

When we turn toward and face a situation, we may not know exactly what to do. Yet, in facing a challenge, we will experience the situation clearly and deeply learn from it – rather than hiding behind excuses, blaming, justifications, and other “protective barriers” that will not achieve anything.

See things as they are

By turning toward a situation as openly as possible, we will get the raw data of our experience – clearly and sharply. At first, this may be painful and uncomfortable. Yet, it will feel real and genuine in a way that avoidance never comes close to. In seeing things as they are, we become more open, clear-minded, and sensitive.

Understand the reality of suffering

In turning toward and facing our pain, we come to more deeply understand the nature of suffering – both our own and that of others. Such understanding brings compassion into our lives. We can also better accept that suffering is inevitable in this life.

Follow three steps when facing difficult emotions

Recognize the afflictive emotion: For example, “Yes, I am really feeling annoyance and anger right now.”

Remain with the destructive emotion: Don’t try to fight it, or escape from it (such as through overeating, alcohol, shopping, busyness, or extending a cold silence). These habits will never resolve anything, but only add to the problem. Rather, feel the emotion at a visceral level – relating to the deep inward feelings rather than to the intellect.

Rest in awareness: As the emotion rages within you, take some deep breaths, and try to stay still with conscious breathing for a while. Before long, a new perspective on the difficult situation may well slowly emerge! With new insight, you will begin to feel a fresh peace about the circumstance!

Develop acceptance and openness

Accept and learn from everything. Extend this toward all situations and emotions, and toward all people. Experience everything fully, without lots of mental reservations and withdrawing into oneself – and without simply running away from life situations.

Accept limitations

In facing and dealing with difficult situations, such as those listed at the beginning of this article, accept the fact that there will be times when we will have done all we can with complete openness and kindness – and yet the situation remains unresolved. At such times, one has to go on with life with peace of mind.

In the end, not always turning away from unpleasant situations is indeed the braver thing to do – some may say even a mad thing to do, since it runs counter to all common sense and ideas of self-preservation. Yet, in the final analysis, it is the better choice – because running scared through life cannot be the solution.

If we can develop the habit and confidence to face whatever arises and not always turn away from our painful personal situations – but to turn toward them and to let down our defences and protective barriers – we will experience a peace of mind and joy that we have perhaps not known before. It involves taking the path of honesty and openness – and it will give us true freedom – a freedom from the self-created bonds of suffering we produce with our own minds.

Written by Alexander Peck; edited by Eva Peck (September 2020) 

Inspiration for this article came from a book entitled Never Turn Away by Rigdzin Shikpo (Somerville, MA: Wisdom Publications, 2007). For those who might enjoy Roy Orbison’s song, ”Running Scared”, it can be viewed at https://youtu.be/DAYyMIZNxfM

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